i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
