You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
