Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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