she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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