Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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