I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
