If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
foreskin is a definite game changer
Boobs speak an international language.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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