hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
