Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
