I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
