"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
