Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
