May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
