The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
