sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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