I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize