You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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