My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
