Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
