My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
