put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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