The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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