Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
