Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
