I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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