there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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