even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
