For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
