My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
