I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
