Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
