Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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