I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you had me at cake vodka
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
