Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
