Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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