I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
