A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
