i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
