moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
