Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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