Can i not drive my cunt home
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need water and some morals
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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