You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
