Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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