Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize