i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
