I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
