24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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