The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
