did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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