I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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