This girl is more easily done than said...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
