I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
