If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
