i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
