I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
