I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
