Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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