Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize