she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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