your thong is hanging out like whoa
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
